We laid in his bed and cried until the lights went out;
Then we was gone and I, alone.
The darkness buried me deep;
Sorrow squeezed my lungs.
Desperate I became, I became.
Its an eternity of a feeling,
----------------------------heartache.

We go through life expecting things to last and when you're standing in the doorway of destruction all you can do is stare and ask why?

To Scream of a Sorts.

Have you ever wanted to take the entire world as an audience and tell them to shape up and start living their lives like normal people? but then you get to thinking what the actual eff is normal these days. I have this friend who i love dearly and truly. I love her to death. but sometimes i find i want to put her in that "world" category and shout a bit about how she needs to shape up her act. Who am I to say that? I am nobody in particular, I can't even judge, let alone shout a bit about shaping up lives. Relationships are a funny topic, a funny situation. I've watched couples time after time fall in and out of love, individuals who go back to the people who've hurt them the most (me included) and beg, ask for that person to take them back. Why infact do we do this to ourselves? is it because we are in love with the person, or the feeling that after the rejection we are yet again taken into their arms and thoughts like nothing had ever happened. Sometimes I wish I could be the person inflicting the pain because then I could in fact put an end to the suffering of the puppy dog that keeps going back to the master that beats it but also feeds it. Our lives, though may last a long time, are fragile indeed because of our emotional and mental state. I sometimes have to wonder if I'm insane for the way I act at times. But then am I not insane for only thinking I am insane. Sometimes sanity should be set in degrees and each and every person has a degree of that (as said by king).

I read this essay by stephen king when i should have been reading the essay for my english papers due in two day's time. King says, I quote "If we are all insane, then sanity becomes a matter of degree. If your insanity leads you to carve up women like Jack the Ripper or Cleveland Torso Murderer, we clap you away in the funny farm...;if, on the other hand, your insanity leads you only to talk to yourself when you're under stress or pick your nose on the morning bus, then you are left alone to go back to your business...though it is doubtful that you will ever be invite to the best parties." King hits it home there in that paragraph. but what he says next is almost as good as that. "The potential lyncher is in almost all of us...and every now and then, he has to be let loose to scream and roll around in the grass. Our emotions and our fears form their own body, and we recognize that it damands its own exercise to maintain the status quo of civilization itself. Love , friendship, loyalty, kindness - these are all emotional we applaud, emotions that have been immortalized in couples of Hallmark cards in the verses of Leonard Nimoy."

So I come back to this, is it a moment of insanity to put our thoughts and emotions into being, even if its shouting or writing in a blog much like my own? yes. When we commit ourselves to one thing, over a period of time it wears on the human being, as a whole. If we bottle up emotion it will get out at one point or another, just like a child locked in its room, it will find a way out, meaning maybe not through the door but through a window or even creating a hole in the floor or wall, destorying whatever it can to get out. A person who is desperate is a destroyer, thus is an emotion that is bottled up and desperate to get out. When we put into words or actions the thing that is buggin us the most people find us insane, find us not in a well state of mind because we are not "acting normal" or "civilized" when I go back to the fact that nothing is normal except we have a standard of emotions that are acceptable and ones that are feared and pushed aside like they done exist. In the movie Donnie Darko, he is sitting in a class where they have to watch a stupid video. The video is supposed to be funny in the movie because its almost ridiculous as to the people who are inspired by a man so corrupt. After the video is done the teacher asks the students to look at the life line on the board, a line separated by FEAR and LOVE. Donnie gives a speech about how ridiculous this is, that there are not just two emotions in life. He is absolutely right, even to the core of the issue of abortion or divorce, there is no BLACK and WHITE. People can argue with me all day long, but in the end the gray areas are so vast that you would have to swim across them to get to the actual black or white side. Why? because people in this day and age live for themselves. They do not find it affective to put a right or wrong on each and every issue. They tell their children with their own actions "If you think it is right, then you do, but i might think its wrong" What is this country, and this world coming to if the youth of every nation has a message sent to them non-verbally that they can basically do anything they want because the adult generation of this nation is doing that exact thing. We think that because we want our children to grow up to be good, that they will, but just because we think it doesn't mean it will fall into action, we are not God (as much as human kind might think they are).

I go back to my friend whom I love with all my heart. Why did I mention her and then go on to rant about how corrupt life is? Because in the end no matter how hard I or anyone tries to "fix" her there is no black and white in life. We cannot take her by the shoulders and say "DO THIS. DO THAT. YOUR LIFE WITH BE BETTER." because in the end even if we did say life will be better she has no reason to listen to us because life may not be better, and the respect of that kind of advice comes by rarely even between a parent and child or even from a role model. In the end every person we look up to is just as insane as us at one point or another. They too have moments where they let "the evil" thing out to play, where they make a mistake and take a hit like every other person in the world. No one is perfect, despite popular belief of "my bf/gf is the most perfect person in the world." STOP. please stop lying to yourself. I know more than most about the fact that the one you choose to love may be the worst person in the world for you, and yet I still ran back to him like he'd done nothing, over and over again. Humans. Are. Not. Perfect. We take our lives and throw them to the wind hoping that we will land someplace perfect, when we land among the worst people possible. Even the happiest person alive is sad one moment in their lives if not weeks or months at a time. I cannot hope to think that we are immune from hurt just because we think someone is perfect, because in the end we just set ourselves up for the worst hurt of all, being let down. I talk big and have a shitty life, and thats where I come to the point where I want to scream at the top of my lungs about how stupid life has really become and how I've spent my days wasting away and not living a life that I should have been living in the first place. The day I injured my knee was the day something inside me died. That something that had told me that life was worth living, and I need to find it again and get it back because I know deep down inside myself life IS worth living no matter how shitty or in the words of Mr. Sexton "so, basically your life blows?". We build a persona of a person we want to become when in reality we are nor will that person until we actually take a step in the right direction throwing the fucking fear out the window and jumping into the unknown.

Life was not meant to be lived sitting alone. It was meant for someone who wants to actually do something with themselves.

Dreams

Our dreams are things to be sought after. We are to chase down the thing that brings us hope and grasp it tighter than a child to its blanket. When we lose the dream our hopes are dashed, but in my opinion our dreams are never lost until we ourselves give up. In the end if we try our best and strive to do everything possible to fulfill the one thing our heart drives us to, I do not see that as failure even if the aspiring artist becomes a mother who does finger paintings. If we try, we are rewarded with the sense that we have done something, even if the outcome is less than, expect it as is more because we gave it our best. Our dreams are the things that make us want to become better people, and if we neglect those dreams, those passions...if we push them aside and say they aren't possible, then we are giving up on the hope that lives deep inside our very own being. We are saying that we ourselves are not possible, when we, you and I are reading this, breathing, feeling the sting of the wind when we walk outside or the heartbreak as your loved one cries out from a fall or some other misgiving. It will not be easy, for all of life is not just a walk in the park, it is a walk in the park during the middle of the night where things lurk in the shadows and the forecast says "Every unknown possible disaster may happen in two minutes time, or it may be clear and cool, who knows, we're weathermen, not God." America, no the world, is full of sayings about what to do with life, but as a child or a young adult we are faced with the questions of "what do you want to be when you grow up?" or "What are you passions, what do you want to study in college?" Why is the pressure so great on the youth of the world to decide this second what they are going to do for the next 20-70 years when adults to this very moment have no clue what they are even doing tomorrow? We cannot hope but try our bests. To follow your dream you have nothing to lose, there should be no regrets in trying, no regrets in failing if you gave it your all. A child who wants to be a singer should start with lessons and go from there, a teenager who wants to be an artist should start small and work up, an adult who wants to become a doctor even after he has finished a master's program in economics should not call it quits because in the end we all have nothing to lose except the pride that we do not even have to begin with. Pride is nothing but a loose idea that we have something to uphold, what we only have to uphold is the fact that we are trying to reach for the dreams that have grown in our hearts and minds from the moment we breathed air for the first time to the time you just breathed right now and then again now. Who am I to preach to the crowd of lost onlookers and hungry readers of the culture we now sulk in? I am a nobody. I am a human being with a dream, a dream I hope to try for, and in the end, if I fail, what have I lost exactly? Time? Sure, but time spent doing the one thing I love and have a passion for, so what is really lost in the concept of trying? nothing, except breath and time, and both of those will pass no matter if you are sitting doing something you hate or trying for the one thing that makes your heart skip a beat or puts your mind at ease in the most trying times. In the end I say this, without regrets and from the heart. Dreams are the thing that make us human, and if we cannot accomplish them, we are no less human, in fact we are better off than the person next to you who has given up the one thing that makes them who they are.

I want to start a new life, where I can escape what people think I'm supposed to act like.

my life has become a big mess of nothing...and i hate it.

The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain. ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

One of my favorite quotes..I'm not sure why, but it makes me feel better sometimes, makes me realize to let things go. Let it rain, there's no stopping it, nothing I can do. Sometimes, thats what needs to happen.